Well hello there. It's 2 am again. And I'm alone.
There are those moments when I think I love my life, but the majority of the time I simply don't. My expectations have been run too high with living vicariously through nerdy love stories in hope to have a similar tale one day. Prepare for a copious amount of rhetorical questions that I can't even seem to answer.
I was going to try to avoid this subject, but I've decided I'm going to lay out my life one post at a time. Again, without too many specifics, my loneliness aspect of life. It's a biggie. Do you even know how completely frustrating it is to enjoy the company of guys more, but all of your friends in college are girls? Well, that doesn't help that I was shoved into an all girls dorm freshman year. Say goodbye to any potential GVSU love story from me. Not to mention, I think I've been friend zoned more than a woman should be. That's great, you think I'm cool to talk to and love everything about me, but leading me on was accidental? Alright cool. All of those constant posts from single girls joking about how they'll be the cat lady, just stop. The girl over here that keeps quiet doesn't joke about that.
I've been told constantly that "somebody is out there". What if I don't meet them? I'm the girl that waits. I've been in love once, but it wasn't even my year and a half relationship. That was forced and was full of confusion. I don't care how many people think I'm too young to know. That's bullshit. The guy I fell in love with meant everything. It's pretty awesome that after he decided to make out with me on his bed at the past-curfew hour of 3 in the morning, we didn't talk again. I can't let that go. It was a year ago.
What the Hell is the meaning of love anymore? I just want to... injure all of those that kryptonited the word of its powers. I don't know how to even extend upon that. I feel some form of anger when I hear all of my friends talk about being in love. It's almost as if I'm the only one to have experienced it, and I just want it to be mine. When you're in love, you just know. No questions asked. No "I think I was". When you say it, you feel 100% confident about it. Being in a relationship for a long time does NOT mean you love each other. Having sex doesn't concrete any feelings. In fact, that just complicates things. The guy I was in love with treated me more like a princess in the 3 times we hung out than anyone else ever has. As far as the massive array of "love" tattoos... why? You are making it so much worse. PSA: quit overflowing the tattoo bandwagon.
Speaking of tattoos, the next guy in my story can be associated. You think talking 24/7 and hanging out and obviously flirting and trusting someone with an emotional heavy load might have more behind it than just a friendship, right? That's what I thought. Talk about dropping the bomb. Being asked to medal from this very same guy with a girl who is one of your good friends was, well, shitty. It didn't work out. At least I got over it in about 12 hours, after shamefully writing a song about it.
Then there's something that scares me. The thing that scares me the most is how confused I am. Apparently there's a 72% chance I already met the person I will marry. I think I know who that person is, but I don't want it to be them. I do want it to be them. I won't dare reveal too much. This person actually means a lot to me, I know I mean a lot to them. It scares me how much I miss them when we don't see each other for a while. As I constantly sigh writing this paragraph in fear of thinking he would read this somehow, I will move on.
A message for the guys though: I know you're equally frustrated with the whole friend zone ordeals, but let me make it simple. Sometimes a girl wants to keep you in her life forever, and she is scared that she would ever lose you. It does not matter how hard you try to become best friends again after a relationship, it does not last long. They want you to be there for them, because you're their rock. I have experienced this 3 times. I still need to realize that relationships aren't always worth it.
Like I've said before, my pillow is pretty messed up. I don't do anything to it, when I'm conscious at least. I seem to have some sort of attachment to it, almost like a security blanket. I wouldn't mind somebody cuddling next to me once in a while to give my poor pillow a break. If you've heard people say that they feel lonely in the most crowded of rooms, take my word for it, it absolutely sucks. I'm getting ahead of myself though. The loneliness associated with depression is another story as well.
How was this brought onto me? Well, my roommate, who hasn't been single since she was 6, manages to always have guys falling at her feet. This is one of my best friends here, but I just don't understand why. Just... no. And she has a boyfriend, yet she manages to have a guy pick her up at 2 am so they can hang out. Hello boys, I'm a lot more than I seem during a 10:00 class.
Now only if you were reading this, or at least somebody was. I would kill for a copy editor.
Ahem.
Enough questions for now. Questions I'm sure you won't think about, but you really should.
Until next time, imaginary readers.
Ponder your life's existence, and protest love tattoos.
